i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
