Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
