tonight lets celebrate not being married
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
