The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
