I'm eating all of the evidence.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Let's paint friendship bongs
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
