Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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