he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
