I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
