Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
