I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
is it fun? or sober?
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
