Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
