I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I checked into jail on foursquare
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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