If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
