dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
