I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
