Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
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I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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