Where did you get a picture of my penis
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Randomize
