Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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