glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Randomize
