Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
