I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
