My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
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