when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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