seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
love makes seman taste better
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
