OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
