Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
