i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
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