I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
