Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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