yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
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I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
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I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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