im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
