He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
