My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
When did angry sex become our thing?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
