Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Randomize
