Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
