so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
