I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize