I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
