My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I need moral support for this bender
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Randomize
