My underwear smells like fireworks.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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