It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them