So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
25 People Confess The Biggest Betrayal They Have Ever Faced
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.