You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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