someone get that fucking seahorse.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
