a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Randomize
