She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
