Mattress luging...It's a long story.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I still have a little drunk in my system
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Randomize
