I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Nobody cheats on THIS.
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