I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
