the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
