I never want to see another naked old woman again.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".