I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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