i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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