you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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