My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
