what day is it and did you see me today?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
