hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
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I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
That accounts for only three of the penises
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
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It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
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